Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Dollar Beer Nights: Boullionnui's Rules

Dollar Beer Night Rules:

There's something reassuring about Thursday dollar beer night at the Pour House. Everyone is on the same page. Everyone's there to get hammered, watch sports, eat nachos, and do each other.

To be sure, the Pour House has its drawbacks, but there's no other place better for those nights when you want you want to get a group of friends together and get schnockified on the cheap. We recommend doing a Thursday at the Pour House at least once or twice. Sure, the place will be hot, loud and packed, but if you follow Bouillonnui's simple dollar beer rules, you should be ok.

- Get there early. Get there by 5:30 so you can get a table or a booth. If you don't want to deal with the loud noise, head downstairs to the Scheissehaus and try and snag a table in the back. Don't depend on a waiter showing up. Save yourself some time and order from the bartender.

- Order at least 3 beers per person at a time, especially since it's so much fun to say "18 Budweisers please." Try it sometime. Come on, they're a freakin' dollar!

- Eat nachos. The Pour House nachos are the best on Capitol Hill and will probably remain so for some time (no thanks to you, Tancredo!) Make sure you wait till at least your 4th beer, or for Rowdy, your second, so you're a little drunk when you eat them. Everyone knows all foods are at least 30% more delicious when you're starting to get a little tipsy.

- Hit up the jukebox early. If you don't get there quick enough, there's a good chance you'll be left listening to Bon Jovi or Godsmack all night. Be sure to sparcel out your selections with some chill tunes at the start, then maybe some mid 90s rap, a couple crowd pleasers, something obscure....aaahh..screw it, we’ll just make a playlist for you:

Perry Como - Papa loves Mambo (just to freak people out)
Peter, Bjorn and John- Young Folks
Fujiya and Miyagi- Collarbone
Eazy E - Gimmie That Nut
Midlake- Young Bride
Bob Dylan- Ballad of a Thin Man
William Shatner - Common People
The Editors - Munich

- Don't flirt with anyone until you've had 9 beers (4 for Rowdy). You know you're not clever until you're hammered, so there's no use in rushing it. Just spend the first few hours enjoying your nachos, watching the game, and putting together a solid scouting report. Don't worry about the other guys putting in the leg work, talking to the girls all night. The swoop in method is always the way to go, and even if you fail, at least you didn't have to spend the whole night having some long, awkward conversation...

You- "Sooooo, umm. Where are you from?"
Girl- "Minnesota."
"Oh, wow, really?"
"Yeah, why? Are you from there"
"Well, no. Michigan. But I always liked Minnesota."
"Oh."
"Yeah, a lot of lakes, huh?"
"I guess, yeah."
"I heard Michigan actually has more lakes than Minnesota. Wouldn't that be weird? Cause you guys are all like..."
"Umm."
"Umm. You want another beer?"
"I think I'm good."
"Shots? You want a shot. No? Screw it, bartender! 6 Jager bombs!"
"I'm gonna go find my friends now."
"Guh? Damn, this sucks. Why haven't my songs come on? And where the hell are my nachos?"

- If it's dollar beer night, don't try to kickstart your conversation by ordering 6 Jager bombs. However, a very good maneuver on most other nights.

- Eat Nachos. If you're still around at 10:30 and on you're 17th beer, there's no reason to not go all in for the 2nd feeding. At this point, you've blown your chance with that cute Minnesota girl (comparing lakes? What were you thinking?), you wasted 80 bucks on shots, and you're gonna be totally fucked in the face come morning if you don't get some more grease in you fast.

So there you are. Stick to these rules, and be sure to get a breakfast sandwich in the morning and you should have many fine dollar beer adventures.

-Boullionui
(edited by R. Chowder)

2 comments:

battlecat said...

schnockified on the cheap? are you talking about the drinks, or the girls? *ba dum bum!*

AbsentBroth said...

I see that Rowdy contributed to this posting, which leaves me confused as to how "Eat nachos" shows up only twice. Although I guess it is Boullionnui's list.